The life and light I need is the dwelling inside me

Matthew Hendricks
8 / 31 / 19

Before I saw my shadow in the light, I mistook it for my future.

In the new light, I see the importance of knowing my thoughts, my psyche — my actual concerns of reality as they pertain in myself.

Self – the object of introspection.

The shadow is not the end. The ambivalence is only the beginning.

It’s the beginning of your self.

The first step in understanding myself was acknowledging that my best parts were hidden from the self (within the shadow).

Can’t you see it? Others can.

We hide the best of ourselves away and for the most common of us, may not see these parts again until we’ve endured the emotional surge of creative energy made available from the traits of the resilient shadow. The undiscovered talents that live between the space of the conscious decisions you ruminant and the ones you do not hesitate to make (in love, money, success) — your complete self.

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Reflexive action.

My limitations are created around myself — by myself.

It’s not just one shadow. The pattern and stories told are like a monster with lots of legs.

And with our experiences, we’ve unconsciously fed the monster while simultaneously reinforcing a poorly designed cage. Repeating mistakes and misunderstandings without even knowing what we’re hiding.

Surprisingly, when I feel comfortable enough to accept and release parts of the shadow monster, I no longer fear the dwellings inside of me.

Soon, I hope there’s nothing left to fear because I have shown a light on the whole and will know it.

I will embrace each branch and move through the moment. And hope to arrive at a place of innovation and creation that provides freedom away from the anxiety, panic and the preservation that I fought so hard to create.

In my life, when I have exposed my persistence to the tempest of chaos, I eventually find myself no longer isolated in the storm but living with purpose in a field of openness. Away from the source and left to work with the damage. A surface to build and recover.

I know, because I still need to do the shadow work.

I know all of this, but I choose not to embrace it. The life I live tends to be pushed by my shadow, blind to the light casting around the obvious.

But sometimes I get a glimpse.

I need to remember it’s not dark or malevolent. It’s the whole and part of who we are in our early stages. Before evolution and society took our thoughts down this path where some things are acceptable and some things are not acceptable. Where we guard our actions and behaviors as defined by the family and culture we’re born into without a voice.

We become rejected or accepted based on ideas that are against our essence. We exaggerate what is approved. It causes us to divide ourselves and reject our self. Eventually, even our willingness becomes suppressed.

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The thing that distinguishes you from others.

This is all Jung’s shit. Things we’re aware of and not aware of — the light and the dark.

The human shadow is an aspect of myself that is not exposed to the conscious side — the things that I have denied and continue to reject about myself.

The shadow doesn’t just withhold negative things — we sometimes disown traits that are positive and exaggerates our shame and self-esteem.

It’s painful.

To walk up to life and feel the rejection that was first created in me (before my self — before I’d reach an age of reason).

This is the judgment we use to decide to do things we don’t understand we’re dong. We’re conditioned to act like we’re in control while internally thinking we’re out of it. And if that wasn’t enough dissonance we think we should be able to do things better or be punished for our inability to control things that are not controllable.

So we end up doing the same old shit that we can’t stand and the suffering takes more than we can ever acknowledge to let it go —  and some things just never get resolved. Exhausting.

We’ve all performed these patterns like characters in a story. We’re created like this — no one is free from the archetypes. And we all must dive deep into this mess to live up to the reality of who we actually are.

It’s worth doing.

To become whole with the universe. And start to explain the world in a way that can allow us to grow and accept our thoughts as a part of the universe — as it is. To let it continues to do the very thing that it has been always been doing. And not feel guilty for the patterns that were passed down long before our individual shadows created these anxieties in a cry out for our infant relief.

What we usually need is what we’re usually unwilling to do. Be our selves.

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Have you lived at the mercy of the protections of your shadow?

Are you kinda pissed off at yourself — feeling like you are eroding the quality of your life and constantly waiting — always anxious and angry or nervous and irritated? For no particular reason?

Do you seem to prick and point at yourself when you try to care for yourself? Or feel guilty for hiding how you feel?

Do you get lost in thoughts about solutions you know to be illogical to the context of the problem?

Are you living without mercy to your desires but rather within a void of identity or purpose?

I’ve been in places where I sought almost nothing but to fulfill needs. In a space and time where I  didn’t even know what I needed.

The less I knew, came out in distressing thoughts, impulses, emotions, etc.

It was rattling. How doos one even begin to process getting rid of all this offensive negative stuff?

We must do the unconscious work. For each part.

I won’t get rid of it — I will learn its nature and impact.

To experience the truth. My truth. To see my limitations and weakness, but see instead the strengthens and courage and temperament and desires and dreams and… reality.

Included in a big giant universe. And carries all that shit I was trained to be disappointed to learn wasn’t real.

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It was always true. As I’ve always known all along. But I  also know it’s not perfect. It just takes work to see it.

I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough. We must apply. Being willing is not enough. We must do. — Leonardo da Vinci

I am doing the most important work by exploring my story from a different point of view. With need and purpose and my power, personal balance and the inner calm has begun to grow with the most uplifting sense of urgency.

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